The Road to Positive (Pt. 1 of My Fertility Journey)

This weekend, as I mentioned, my husband was away, so it was just Luca and I.  It’s so easy to get exasperated sometimes because my son is high energy and well, a toddler so he’s into literally EVERYTHING!  Sometimes, I feel myself getting a little frustrated when he doesn’t listen to me or creates an epic mess.  For example, yesterday he was in the bathtub squatting down and I said, “Luca are you going poo poo?”  He leaped up and said, “Nooooo.”  I said, “ok”.  Only to discover a few moments later that he actually did use bath time for potty time and I couldn’t find my disposable gloves to clean it!

When I have these moments where I just want to pull out my hair and run naked down the street, I remind myself of when trying to conceive seemed like mission impossible and it literally changes everything for me.  BTW, I don’t have these moments often but of course being only human, they definitely do happen. 

When my husband and I got married, we definitely wanted children but we weren’t in a rush.  We figured we would let the ink dry on our wedding certificate before we turned our attention to baby making.  About 9 months after we got married, my period was late but I wasn’t pregnant.  10 days later still no period yet still a negative test.  Honestly, this never happened to me before so I really didn’t know what to think.  I just made an appointment with my doctor only to discover that my fsh was high for my age.  She advised that I start actively trying sooner because “it might take me some time to get pregnant”.  Now me being the Type A person I am, I took that to mean that my husband should clear his schedule that afternoon and hurry home to get it in.  Just joking but this was more or less my approach. I should mention that at the time, I had no clue about ovulation, fertile days, etc.  I honestly had no idea that a woman really can only get pregnant about 5 days out of every month.  Fast-forward several months and still nothing so I decided to get some testing done at a fertility specialist.  For the most part the tests came back inconclusive; there was nothing outside of my high fsh to indicate a reason for me not getting pregnant.  They decided to do a round of IUI (Intrauterine insemination aka turkey basting) and if I didn’t get pregnant, my doctor would perform a laparoscopy for diagnostic purposes. 

At the time, I really didn’t think anything of this. I was anxious but not overly worried.  Actually, the perfect words to describe my feelings were bewildered and confused.  I spent most of my entire adult life up until this point avoiding pregnancy, why wouldn’t I be able to get pregnant now that I actually wanted to be?  In addition to the IUI, I had to take a low dosage of fertility meds to help prepare my body and give me the best chance at success. I also had to go to the office every morning for monitoring so they could time my insemination perfectly.  The facility was in Brooklyn, at the time, my husband and I lived in Harlem.  We either got on the train extra early or my parents gave us a ride.  I remember sitting in the room waiting for one of the nurses and looking at the baby photos on the wall.  I wanted to be positive and so I just fixated my mind on getting my positive and let this whole ordeal be behind me.  They told me I would experience cramping the day of and I should take it easy but being the person that I am, I never slowed down. I was at a night bazaar that same evening where my new body butters were being sold.  Even though I was in a lot of pain, I needed to take my mind off of everything that was going on because on some level, I think this was the beginning of me being angry at the situation.  Two weeks after the treatment, I got a negative pregnancy test. 

I was angry.