The Paralysis of Fear

The more I blog, the more I absolutely love it.  I find myself wondering why I didn't start doing this earlier.  It's so easy to play the 'would have, should have' game.  When I was younger, I was sooo deathly afraid of so many things.  Primarily success.  There were many opportunities, I turned down due to fear of rejection.  Subconsciously, I think I justified telling myself 'no', as being easier to accept than someone else telling me no. 

When I was modeling, I would let fear stop me in my tracks.  I literally would get to a casting location and not walk in the door.  I felt paralyzed with anxiety and fear of failure.  If I didn't pursue an opportunity then technically, I didn't fail.  When things got tough, I retreated, pulled back and often gave up.  This fear permeated all areas of my life.  In relationships, I either stayed too long.  Thinking the relationship would turn around, holding on to what was, and too fearful that I wouldn't find someone better.  Or, I split at the first sign of not being in control of my emotions.  Loving a guy too much made me feel too vulnerable and completely out of control.  I either pushed him away with my "crazy" or I ended it for no good reason at all because once again, I was scared.   What if I fall so deeply in love with this man and he hurts me? Deserts me?

Fear crippled me to take chances and in many ways to just simply live.  It kept me stagnant in jobs because the familiar and mundane was more comforting than the unknown and seemingly intangible.  It prevented me from taking risks that might have turned out to be extremely rewarding.

Nowadays, I try to remain conscious about setting self-limitations and when I catch myself telling myself 'no' or preventing myself from pursuing something I want to, I remember a friend of mine's sage words 'all you have to do is show up'.