The Road to Positive (Part 3 of My Fertility Journey)

When I let my husband know, I was seething. I mean I was really starting to be a very angry woman.  It simply wasn’t fair.  HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?  HOW COULD THEY IMPLANT AN EMBRYO and still, 2 weeks later, I get a negative pregnancy test.  I just didn’t understand.  I racked my brain for all the things I have done wrong in life to warrant this.  I could think of many but still!  The punishment didn’t seem equitable to my perceived transgressions.  I started to avoid pregnant woman which turns out to be quite impossible no matter what the season.  If someone was having an event and their pregnant wife or girlfriend was going to be there, I really didn’t want to be around.  I had a very close friend who was pregnant and of all the people she could complain about to regarding her pregnancy, I turned out to be the one.  I avoided her as much as possible.  Besides, a woman who could get pregnant just by being breathed on, could never begin to understand.

Despite how dejected I felt, I turned pregnancy into my life’s mission.  I read up on infertility incessantly.  I did all kinds of complimentary treatments to help me.  From acupuncture in Chinatown, to vaginal steaming in Jackson Heights to reflexology on the Lower East Side.  At one point, I even participated in a ‘past life regression’ session to see if something I had done in another life was affecting this one.  While I was doing all of that, I was waking up early in the morning and going into the next room to cry and blame God.  I hated God, in fact.  Whenever someone told me to pray to God, I said silently, “what for?”  He hasn’t answered my prayers yet.  I thought God hated me as much as I hated him.  Why would he be so mean to me?  Really what I had done to deserve this??  These were a few of the thoughts that went through my mind.  

Shortly after my failed IVF, I decided to give IUI a try again.  This is the turkey basting system and I would have to do more medication.  I was ok with this as it wasn't as invasive as IVF.  In the middle of this new session, my insurance ran out for my medication.  I had to get a refill on my meds and everything had to be done daily.  You can't skip days because you aren't in the mood, didn't wake up on time or ran out of money to cover the costs of your medication.  I will never forget when I went to the counter to pick up and the pharmacist told me it would cost $1600 for 3 days of medication.  I asked incredulously, "What???"  He then explained to me that I had exceeded my coverage and I would have to pay out of pocket.  Do I want the meds or not?

I couldn't hear him.  I was already snowballing into my pity pit.  I left the pharmacy and called my husband to sob.  The reason why we didn't do another round of IVF instead was because my insurance wouldn't be able to cover all of it but in the New Year, I had planned on switching insurances and then everything would reset.  So now this?  I was beside myself.  One thing about the entire process was that I never gave up hope so even though I was failed in the past, I saw this as my next shot and now it wouldn't happen, not because of my body, but because insurance could only cover so much.  I was so upset.

As I walked down the street about to head into work, I remembered a close friend of mine who had a friend who went through IVF.  It worked for her and she had medication left over.  She knew of me and had given our mutual friend the meds, who saved them in her fridge.  OMG!!!!!!  Needless to say, I called her when I got to work to see if she still had them and if I could come over that evening to retrieve them.  She did.  I was able to complete that IUI round but two weeks later, another failed pregnancy test.  I went numb.  

I remember seeing a documentary a few months earlier called Google Baby .  Basically, it was about these couples who travelled to India for their IVF treatments because of the affordability.  I mentioned it to my husband.  If we can't afford it here, maybe we can do it there.  I was already preparing myself for the next fail.  My husband agreed this could be a possibility  but "let's just see what happens the next time I do it in January,"   Fine.

It was close to the end of the year and I just let go of the entire thing and told myself I would revisit in the New Year.  I started taking a supplement called Pregnitude to improve the quality of my eggs for the next round of IVF.  I went back to my daily Bikram Yoga practice and juiced every single morning but I also had the occasional cocktail.  I enjoyed my friends and dated my husband.  When New Year's Eve day arrived, I was late.  This happened before so I didn't give it much thought but I did decide to mention to a friend.  My friend urged me to get a pregnancy test even though I was sure it would be negative.  As I said, this happened to me before but I wasn't pregnant so I'll deal with it in the New Year.  But of course, part of me started thinking.  What if I am pregnant and I drink my sorrows away this New Year's Eve?  Stinking' conscious.  I went to the health center on my job and asked for a pregnancy test.

We waited the standard amount of time and the lady called me over and asked me what I saw.  To be honest, I had no idea what I saw.  Looked like a faint line to me.  I told her.  She agreed that's what she saw too.  I said "Ok but what does that mean?"  She said, it means you are pregnant.  I asked, "What?????"  She said, "yes, should we do it again?"  I said, "Yes please do!"  We did the test again and this time, the line was darker.  She hugged me and said, "You are pregnant."  The last day of the year.  I was going to start a new round of IVF in January of the New Year but on the very last day of December, I found out I was pregnant!

Pure bliss consumed my body.