My Journey As A Mother: Random Notes

I really love being a mother. While I often struggle with whether or not I am meeting or exceeding expectations, I thoroughly enjoy my role as 'mama'. Albeit, challenging at times, being a mother is one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced.

A few random notes about the journey:

  • I love my son so much. I didn't even know it was possible to love another person this much.
  • I am more motivated than ever before to achieve my dreams and my definition of success.  I want my son to see me as an exemplary woman and derive a work ethic from not only what my husband and I tell him, but from what he observes.  Needless to say, I want to provide as many enriching experiences as I can for him.  Lastly, I want my success to give him options and resources that I didn't have.
  • I do not and I never really had a great relationship with my mother.  In fact, we have been estranged for over a year now. I will probably write about this when I'm ready at some point but I find being a mother for me is very therapeutic.  Not only do I have an opportunity to be the mother I've always wished for, but I have a lot more empathy for my mother despite her shortcomings.  I understand fully that she was an actual and real person before she had me.  She had dreams, needs and desires, and sometimes whatever was going on personally for her, may have affected the way she treated me.  I get that now.
  • My son is amazing.  The way he thinks, the way he grows, the way he learns. I have so much fun reading, playing and talking to him.  The more he grows and the more independent he becomes, I am happy, excited and sad all at the same time.  One day, he insisted  on wearing a small backpack someone gifted him and it made him look so grown up.  I started tearing up.  I really am not prepared for this growing up and leaving mama thing. My eyes well up often.
  • The selfish part of me wants to keep him my baby forever but I completely understand how I would be doing a grave disservice to him.  I do believe my job as his mother is to prepare and equip him to live a beautiful life as an adult where he makes smart decisions and pursues his own happiness.
  • I have never looked at the news the same way I did before I got pregnant. Everything I see and hear, I am always thinking 'this is someone's child'.
  • The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree as the expression goes. It's interesting to observe that at such a young age, my son's personality is an interesting hybrid between our personalities but definitely more like mine and this thrills me.
  • I go back and forth between wanting and not wanting a second child.  I love this one so much, I want to do it again but at the same time, I love this one so much, I don't want anyone to take away from that.  I also grapple with whether or not I could even handle another one and do a good job.
  • It's hard to shop for myself without thinking this is money I should be spending on my son.

As I mentioned, just some random thoughts on motherhood that I wanted to share.  Do you feel this way sometimes?  Please share some of your experiences, realizations or other helpful Mommy tips!