Let Love Go: 6 of the Most Important Signs a Relationship is Done

Love makes the world go around and relationships can be beautiful, fulfilling, all consuming, complicated, and a range of emotions that fall anywhere in between the aforementioned. For this special piece, I tapped into my most valued resource, my readers. Sometimes we're in a relationship and we're not really feeling it but not quite sure if it makes sense to throw in the hat or continue to fight the good fight. Enter "the list"! The most important signs that a relationship is over and it's time for you to move on from an aimless situation. 

1. Avoidance – Similar to a problem, you simply don’t want to deal with, avoidance is an easy sign that it’s time to let a relationship go. When you have no real desire to interact with the person you claim to love, most likely, it’s an indication of a relationship being too draining and your subconscious mind’s way of communicating that your energies are best directed elsewhere.

What some of you said:

  • "Early sign that I knew it was time to move on, is when I didn't feel like calling my ex-wife to tell her I was on my way home."
  • "When you don't want to see them anymore."
  • "Communication is sporadic/infrequent"
  • “When he starts contacting me less. I take it like he has another piece. Actually, I think it does mean he has another piece.”
  • "A clear sign is when a man is dismissive towards you."
  • "When they become an afterthought.”
  • “When the idea of spending time with them feels like a job or a chore and you find yourself sucking your teeth or rolling your eyes because you have to hang out together.”

2. You Lost Those “Feels” – Simply put, you are over it. You’re not feeling it, and remain unsure of the ability to ever really feel it again. That excitement you initially felt about the person, and the relationship you were in, has dwindled and all but died out. Your enthusiasm has waned and you are no longer sure of what drew you to the person in the first place, because you are presently, so far away from that.

What some of you said:

  • "Basically, when you get sick and tired of the same nonsense over and over again."
  • "When you don't feel comfortable or safe around them."
  • "When the trust is gone and when there's no forgiveness. If there's no happiness, smiles or joy in sharing things together. Basically when the person is not in love anymore. Not just love the person but be totally, honestly present in love. Through thick and thin."
  • “I was engaged once before I met my wife. We were at my best friend's wedding. Last song. Everyone is slow dancing, all schmoppy-love etc, and she says, "I hate this song." It was Peter Gabrial's, Book of Love. And it wasn't really the comment, but just my general feeling that we didn't have what many of the couples on the floor, especially the newlyweds, had. I wasn't excited to be there with her."
  • “When you feel obligation, and not love.”
  • “When I stop caring what I look like around them and hang around in PJs, no makeup and my hair in a bun. Zero effort.”
  • "You've been dating a long time, and you've said, 'I love you' before, but you struggle to say it on a regular basis. Not just that you forget to (sometimes people don't realize how much it means to somebody to hear it), but you think about it, but just don't want to say it”

3. No sex in the champagne room, or any room for that matter Your emotional and mental disconnection, spills over into the bedroom, causing sexual intimacy to be dead on arrival. You or your partner, have found every excuse as to why it can’t happen and make very little effort, if any at all, to make it happen. Simply put, you don’t prioritize connecting with your partner physically, and this might be the kiss of death for many.

What some of you said:

  • "I stopped anticipating her cycle ending."
  • “We stopped sleeping together.”
  • “She didn’t seem to be into it. It was like a chore.”
  • “She just laid there like a dead fish.”
  • “I couldn’t remember the last time he touched me.”

4. You’ve come to the end of the road – Literally. There is no future and the relationship has lost all momentum. You’re stuck and no longer growing together in any productive way. This is a crystal clear indicator that your relationship has ran its course and perhaps, it’s time to throw in the towel.

What some of you said:

  • "Feelings of ambivalence. Too many red flags"
  • "When they have lost any sense of curiosity about your life, be it work accomplishments, exploring outside interests, channeling your creativity."
  • “I just repeatedly heard the same excuses for what had to be about 8 or 9 years of our relationship as to why he couldn’t be there for me, when I safely assumed he was always going to be there for me…He just stopped making me the most important thing in his life, except when he wanted ass...I should’ve got the eff out, way sooner than that, but you know how us women are, trying to change a brother.”

5. You’ve gotten so far away from who you knew yourself to be – You used to be a vibrant, outgoing person who enjoyed being social and connecting with others. Now, you are a shell of a person, who would rather stay in. EVERY SINGLE DAY. You’ve completely lost that spice of life and joie de vivre.

What some of you said:

  • "When they start making you feel less than who you are. And when they start to bring out the worst in you, instead of the best."
  • “When I no longer knew who I was, and what I enjoyed in my life. Like simple things. Becoming a mom also exacerbated that struggle.”

6. You have to convince yourself of something or you’re looking for a reason to stay – You know that saying, “if you have to ask, you already know”. I live by this when it comes to relationships, mostly because I feel like people don’t follow their instincts often enough in all areas of their life. When something is eating away at you, or just seems “off”, most likely something is amidst. If something doesn’t feel right, why not heed the warning instead of trying to convince yourself that it’s probably nothing?

What some of you said:

  • “When you keep trying to convince yourself that s/he (or things) will change. It often feels like rationalizing of the worst kind. You have an intellectual conversation with your mind that your heart just ain't going for, or perhaps vice versa."

It should go without saying, that obvious signs such as extreme abuse (whatever kind) and gross disrespect should be amongst the reasons for terminating a relationship, but ultimately this is a personal decision that only the person or persons involved, can decide on. Only you know when you have reached your limit and the situation you are in, no longer works for you.

Youlanda Barber, a writer I polled for this piece, surmised this list eloquently and quite beautifully.

I respectfully walk away from a partner or a journey, like it meant nothing to me when I no longer understand who I, currently, am in the partnership. Or what my, current, purpose is on this journey in this partnership.

 

I would love to extend a special thank you to all of you that participated in this post. Your contribution was much appreciated and some of you even expressed interest in being tapped again in the future for your opinion, which is awesome and something I will definitely take you up on.

Do you agree with this? Did we leave something out? If you know someone struggling to pull the plug on a relationship, help them out and forward this:)

xo,


Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash